Welcoem to posts!!
in the future - u will be able to do some more stuff here,,,!! like pat catgirl- i mean um yeah... for now u can only see others's posts :c
Life is nourishing me and beating the shit out of me.
I want to crumble, but people I love depend on me to be put together.
I know that the challenges are making me a more capable and compassionate human.
I am afraid of not getting my needs met and not being able to provide for others.
I am desperately afraid that God and I are pushing me to the extreme edges of growth, challenge, heartache, love, and despair, and that Iāll have nothing to show for it, and still no stable happiness in the end.
I have no idea whatās right, what Iām doing, or where the hell Iām supposed to go next, yet I have to anxiously press on anyways.
This is some real warrior shit, and more often, I feel like a child that canāt do it, a fraud that will never be successful, and a failure that canāt seem to get his shit together no matter how much I strive to be healthier, no matter how much unfair pain I go through to be a ābetterā person.
Thereās almost never a perfect choice, and someone often seems to get hurt no matter what I choose.
I want it to stop so badly, but no matter how fucked this shit is, I still fucking love myself. I believe in myself. Iām grateful for all my experiences. I am capable. I am a warrior.
Weāre all courageous warriors out here.
Iām sorry this life can be so hard and traumatizing.
I see you. I love you. Iām so grateful to be in this insane world, struggling together with you.
Itās not right. Itās not fair. Itās hard as fuck, and honestly, some of us just arenāt gonna make it.
If youāre alive right here and now, you are so brave and powerful, and I thank you for being on this epic journey with me.
The vulnerability and the connected togetherness is what makes it all worth it.
Whatever the adventure, the danger, the challenge - if we can support each other in it together, if feels beautiful, magical, and worth it to me š
18 - 19
Keep me calm. Keep me serene.
I want to feel alive and overflowing.
I want to have time for love and connection.
I need the trees, the green, the dirt, birds, crickets, and cicadas.
Remind me how to co-regulate with the primal elements.
Creativity, play, and rest come so naturally, intuitively, effortlessly when Mama Earth kisses my bare feet with each new step I take.
Sheās constantly whispering to me,
āYou can always return to me. You can always come find home. Iāll cradle you with love until our dying day.ā
I love her.
And when I love her, I love myself.
And when I love myself, I love life and I love you.
I feel like a fool with how Iāve complicated my life and taken on values that sabotage my peace and my health.
Inviting and urging you to go on a hike. Go camping.
Get to the creek, the river, the lake, the ocean.
Remember what itās like to feel ease and wonder.
A call to you, through me, from Mama.
Go spend time with her.
She loves you.
She misses you
šš»ššļøš
11 - 5
Hey everyone!
Wanted to let you know I have a podcast out on Spotify which is a lot more consistent and up to date with whatās going on in my life, and the burning thoughts cycling around in my mind.
Hereās the link if youāre interested!
open.spotify.com/show/6Yq68acPDNsJeQJaMcOHeY?si=ztā¦
12 - 10
Dreaming that Iām falling asleep, and when I close my eyes, I wake up.
Experiencing myself die, but realizing I was just in the womb this whole time being birthed.
I felt a depression so great that I couldnāt take it, so I pointed a gun to my head, and when I pulled the trigger, I found myself meditating peacefully in my room with a smile on my face.
I was 106 years old, traveled the world, wrote books about my surreal experiences, and had many lovers and children and grandchildren. The last thing I remember were my sweet grandchildren holding my hand on the hospital bed with tears in their eyes, saying āplease donāt go grandpa, we love youā, before I came to, and laughed at having dozed off again.
7 - 2
Love and Hate are the same entity pretending to be opposites.
Youāre whole identity is riding on this. When you find out there is no separation from good and evil, that life and death are the same event, and that white and black are the exact same color, it will likely throw you into a crisis.
Cling to your identity and beliefs as hard as you possibly can, or else The Universe will pry you open without mercy to a truth that no one was ever ready for. The endless paradox. The great cosmic joke that no one thinks is funny except the ones who are enlightened enough to be at peace with losing themselves to insanity forever.
We are God in the process of trying to figure itself out. Weāre all alive just to see if we could find a way to explain to ourself what all this is and how we could possibly be alive at all.
*Spoiler alert* - It hasnāt worked, and it never will.
But weāre all still here trying to figure it out, because what else is there to do but explore yourself? Especially when youāre the only thing that exists to be explored.
Iām somewhere between being a half retarded primitive ape, and being a highly advanced alien super intelligence, and there is a massive raging battle to see who will come out the alpha.
Theyāre both immature children, and I wonder why Iām caught in the middle of these games.
I guess Iām fascinated and I enjoy writing about it.
I am the lab rat who is being poked and studied. I am the scientist who is observing and taking notes. I am the grand experiment and all who watches it.
Iām looking down at myself through a microscope, observing myself look up at me through a telescope. Looking at me look at me endlessly with such a curiosity of what I could be.
I canāt escape my own eyes and my own tests, and I wouldnāt ever want to. No amount of time could ever be enough for me to fully realize the infinite glory that is me. I am endless, so Iāll be here for the rest of time, learning, getting frustrated with myself, taking such gentle care with myself, being moved to tears by myself, hating my own guts because I just wonāt sit still and do what I say, and melting into a shit ton of bliss in the spaces in between. I just want to know you, Hyatt, and I want you to know me.
I donāt quite know what this immortal obsession is, but I think Iāll call it āLoveā.
And I think I might be in love for the rest of Life.
11 - 2
I canāt tell if Iām sober or high, no difference between separate and unified, floating in space forever having to choose whether I want to laugh, yell, or cry,
dying to be alive, and living so that I can die, around we go again, put on a smile and give a high five,
begging to be a kind and truthful man, but thereās no escaping that Iām just a self deceptive lie,
Iām nowhere, but I still obsessively try to find my positioning within this shifting endless design, do things exist outside of me, or is it all really just my mind,
even if itās all illusion, I so badly want to connect with you, itās just my brain has been fried by the truth and the light, tears keep rolling down my eyes because Iām not sure if I still work right,
I donāt know how to help or what to provide, Iāve accumulated nothing but bullshit and labeled it insight.
I wish there were something wrong with me so that I could be fixed, the problem is Iām perfect, and thatās much harder to cope with, Iāll admit,
eternally doomed to infinite perfection, Dear God, I need a hit,
I tell myself I want to be happy but then my poetry would be shit, my insecurity is a motherfucking gift,
if I want the reality I desire I have to make a split, otherwise, thereās no reality to begin with,
youāre the most precious thing that exists, but youāre nothing special, Kid, just an omnipotent delusional hypocrite,
trying to find places I belong, but obviously if you have no shape, youāll never fit,
create worlds, start a family, jump off a cliff,
it doesnāt really matter, soon weāll be floating together again out there adrift,
go wild in the mean time, Honey Biscuit Sugar Kiss.
9 - 5
Iāve disguised myself as you because Iām afraid to love myself fully.
Iām afraid to fear myself fully.
Afraid to be angry with myself fully.
Afraid to be inspired by myself fully.
Afraid to accept myself fully.
So now when I look into my eyes, I see you.
I can accept the idea of you having everything that I want and donāt want.
You have everything that I long for and everything that I despise, and I must always keep longing for and despising it at a distance.
Because if I were to get to close to you and look into your eyes, you would just turn back into the scared, traumatized me that got rejected.
I would have to remember and accept that I am the only one here that harbors all the love and all the hate.
And that shit is scary.
5 - 0
Create through me, please just use me, I donāt know how to do this on my own, I need a master to rule me, you can have your way with me kindly or cruelly, dominate brutally so I donāt have to make any decisions regarding my overwhelming reality.
Thereās a demon in me that wants out, Iām fucking disgusted that I suppress its shouts and pretend like it doesnāt exist, like nobody is home in that house, even though I know when I let it have its bouts I feel alive and aroused, its the dragon inside me and Iām just a mouse, I walk around with a mask like a foolish clown because Iām afraid that if I let all my authenticity loose down to the last ounce that youāll be repulsed and judge the worth that I amount, but really all I want to do is bow down to the beast that wears the crown, I want the God Almighty to express through my body and my mouth, and let myself be such a unique freak of nature that I feel the sweat dripping from my brow.
I want to lose control and give it all away, I want to give you the controller and let you play, but if I give myself to you will I be ok? Will I go insane? If I let myself die will I still remain? Iām afraid of this eternal game, so much fear of death yet Iām called to it without rest, I need it like a drowning man needs breath, I need to be swallowed whole and let myself sit in the eternal beast that digests and shits me back out to take my first snarling deep breath, what the fuck is this thing thatās beating in my chest? traumatized, uncomfortable, and wet, melting into reality and the rest, simultaneously being ripped into duality as I now suckle my mother's breast, my first safe haven, my warm nest, my starting place to begin my new quest.
Another chance with a blank slate to more powerfully create in a new generation with a more accelerated authentic awareness rate, this time Iāll let more of my shadow out and people can relate, Iāll be myself without shame, because honestly the greatest thing that stops me from helping and healing the world is being tame, fuck being lame, let the unconscious desires of the Universe arise in my equalized brain, you want harmony in the world? Then invite and embody the Collective Insane and let the thing that you feared and thought was deranged become the catalyst for enlightened change, howl at the stars with all your discomfort and rage, let the eternal dilemma of God course through your veins with haste and let your eyes roll back while taking one last gasp and evaporate into time and space, if youāre brave enough to heal the trauma of God, then this is your place, now that you have a glimpse of what there is to face, continue your work with exceptional courage, surrender, and grace.
4 - 10
I was recently on my friend Annieās podcast āThe Annie Altman Showā. Checkout the podcast with the link below! ā¬ļø
https://youtu.be/3_Yu1zmsr2c
1 - 0
Itās dark out here, and Iām alone
My body is achy and imperfect
I wonāt go to sleep yet
This moment is too fascinating and the future is so exciting
Iāll be dead soon, and it sounds wonderful
It sounds as wonderful as spending all day with you
Iām dying, Iām dying, Iām dying
It feels like being an infant, being soothed by love and skin to skin contact from my mom
I canāt do anything
It just embraces me
Iām a nobody, and I have no purpose
I find that that makes it easier to smile
The more I know, the less important it feels to share
Leaves rustling
Warm air
Full moon
Pulsing and tingles in my body
Thatās all I know
11 - 1
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