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Katrinci
Posted 5 months ago

[Indefinite Hiatus Announcement]

This is going to be quite a personal hiatus announcement, but considering this will be my last post until I come back, I want to open up about the mental health struggles I have been dealing with.

To those of you who have been following me for a long while, you are probably aware that over the years I've played with the idea of taking an extended break from posting online, even trying it a bunch of times, yet never being fully able to commit to it, always crawling back to my comfort zone of posting after only a few weeks.

Since early 2024, I have come to a lot of realizations and harsh truths about myself and how I've been living my life. A needed reality slap, if you will. One of these harsh truths had been realizing that my relationship with social media and posting on the internet hasn't been healthy since all the way back in 2016 when I was only 13, and it has been getting progressively worse with each passing year. I'm a bit embarrassed that I have only now fully internalized and processed an issue that has been plaguing my life 8 years now.

Whenever I post online, I see all of my worst traits reflected back at me.
Using the internet for validation has both made me more insecure and more egotistical. It simultaneously fueled my habit of oversharing and my need to express my every waking thought for the sake of external validation, as well as fueling my paranoia and obsessive tendencies. I can't tell you how often I google my own username to see if people are talking about me, because I am terrified of not knowing everything, not having everything under control. I am so scared of being perceived.
I check replies to my posts and comments on my videos excessively for this same reason. This has also been a huge source of many nightmares and panic attacks over the years.

I'm not one to self-diagnose, but I've been suspecting I have OCD for some time now (or at least experience very similar struggles) & that having a social media presence has amplified my compulsions, which have been getting especially intense & worrisome this year. Of course, this doesn't excuse anything, but identifying & accepting an issue is the first step towards ending it, especially when the issue not negatively affects me, but the people around me, most importantly the people I care about. I've been responsible for many burnt bridges over the years, including friendships. I'm ashamed and angry at myself for how long it took me to truly confront this fact. This can't continue.

On a lesser note, posting on social media has also ruined my relationship with my art, ruined my passion for creating, even ruining my skills and stunting my improvement. My primary motivation to create art should never be the serotonin boost I get when clicking that post button, but it has been that way for so long that posting and drawing have basically become synonymous. It's devastating.

After finally coming to all of these realizations and fully internalizing them, I have decided that it is finally time to take an indefinite hiatus from posting online.
I don't know when I will be back. I just hope that if or when I return, whether it be on this account or somewhere fully fresh, I will be in a better headspace and a better more well-adjusted person.

After I finish my last remaining batch of art commissions, I will only be reachable through email and will not be checking any of my socials.

Thank you to everyone who has supported my creative endeavors over the years. Despite my negative relationship with social media, seeing people be kind and love and enjoy what I create has always meant everything to me. Thank you so much.

*EDIT:* I fixed some typos & added some information I originally missed.

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