@d.e.t4147

1 year ago

It was like someone was singing MY experience when I first heard the verse: “I’ve been this way since I was 8. I cried right through my pillow case praying Lord please take this from me….” As a kid I literally did that. I would kneel before God praying and crying for him to fix me. To take away these feelings I had. Growing up in a born again Christian fundamentalist church and household in the states I knew I couldn’t be gay, and I didn’t want to be. I would have rather been dead. I was suicidal for the better part of my adolescence as I continued to pray, fight, and suppress my same sex attractions. The only reason I didn’t actually kill myself is because I was raised to believe that anyone who commits suicide goes straight to hell no matter if they loved and served God in life. At around 17/18 years old the feelings never left. God never “fixed” me regardless of how much I prayed, begged and pleaded. I begin to just accept that that’s who I was. I still didn’t know anyone else who was gay and I didn’t have anyone to look up to as a gay role model really. This was the early mid 90’s so we didn’t have all of the gay representation and acceptance we have now, let alone the internet. Around that same time I made a friend that I vibed with during a summer job we both worked at. A year later we came out to one another. My mother found out, kicked me out, and as hard as it was to deal with the repercussions of her finally knowing I was gay, I was relieved. I was happy. I felt like a HUGE weight was lifted off of me and like I could breath for first time in my life. And now, at 46 years old, I am well adjusted very happily married man. My husband is the most wonderful human in my life. Never in my wildest dreams when I was a kid did I ever think I’d be here at this point, as happy and fulfilled as I am, able to be married to the man of my dreams. My relationship with my parents is so much better now than it was in the past and my siblings have been my rock and my biggest cheerleaders. I’m very fortunate to have the love and support I have in my life right now. I share this only to let other kids/people know that although it feels like you’re the only one, like you’re alone, like you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, just keep pushing through. Keep walking through that tunnel because you WILL come out the other end in a better place. Things DO get better when you learn to love and just accept who you are, and the people who will love you for being YOU will show up in your journey. Thank you Noah for writing, and sharing, this amazing and powerful song with the world!! You inspire me.

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